A few years ago I was given the job of moderating an anonymous forum for step-parents.

There were 30 forums in total, but this was the toughest gig for a few reasons: the majority of people posting were women and many responded with anger to a female moderator; also, I have personal experience being a step-child, so these were emotionally perilous waters. If anything was going to stretch my ability to remain objective and non-judgemental, this was it.

The posts were full of pain, dejection, confusion, insecurity and bafflement, and a lot of it surfaced as jealousy and anger. The moderator’s job was more than just being an admin presence – I had to keep it clean, answer questions and guide posters to relevant professional advisors on the platform.

After a week or so of wading through some truly terrifying content: physical threats against the children in their care, posts running down 4-year-olds, boasting about punishments given and plots to reduce kids’ time spent with their parents, I had an epiphany. For the first and last time in my Internet history, I created a fake identity.

That Monday the forum opened with an announcement: there was a change in moderators – meet your new go-to-person, Fred. He looks forward to spending time with you, so let’s go!

And they certainly went

It was a whole new world: angry people were suddenly open to advice. When they asked how anyone could possibly love someone else’s child, Fred told them that no-one expected them to – all they had to do was get to know the child as a little human being, form their own connection and let it flow from there.

When someone complained about a little boy annoying everyone by being distant and uncomfortable on his monthly visit, Fred suggested that he may feel like a stranger,  maybe plant a small garden patch with him so he has something to call his own?

 To the frustrated woman who’d had enough of her sullen 13-year-old step-daughter, Fred suggested she spend some girl-time with her – find out what she likes and do it with her. A month later this same woman wrote in to say that they were going to a boy-band concert that weekend and Fred felt good.  

Mostly, Fred spend his/my time separating scared and shut-down children from emotional baggage that the adults given charge of their universes were burying them under.

It was the best part of an already fabulous job, and the most amazing free therapy. I got to understand how insecurity can turn into angry obsession, and how altering the picture just a little can change both a child and a step-parent’s stars.

I’m grateful.